


Nosebleeds

by lordbyronkinnie



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Blood, Self Harm, Tsukishima Kei Has An Eating Disorder, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, kinda sad whoops, no beta we die like light yagami
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:54:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26457514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordbyronkinnie/pseuds/lordbyronkinnie
Summary: Au where all that plays in Tsukkishima’s headphones is sad music
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 67





	1. Chapter 1

It was a quiet day at Tsukkishima's house. The air was stale and still, like the whole house was tiptoeing around, waiting for something to happen. 

Yamaguchi was curled into Tsukkishima's chest. They spent a lot of time like this, with Tsukkishima staring at ceiling and Yamaguchi listening to the blonde's heartbeat so intently you'd think it'd stop at any moment. The thought of studying and homework sat in the back of their minds, not daring to come to the forefront and ruin the moment. They were both smart enough to make time for it, just like how they made time for each other. 

Soft music trickled through the air and into their ears. Tsukkishima always got to pick the music. It was always sad and slow and yamaguchi hated it. Each lyric took a piece of his soul but Tsukkishima always put it back. Yamaguchi often begged and pleaded with Tsukki to change the music to something happier, but he would just reply with something along the lines of 'I don't feel happy' and keep things the way they were. 

I don't feel happy. 

Those words running through Yamaguchi's head felt like a thought he needed to physically shake out. He longed to make Tsukkishima feel happy, and his desperation grew with each passing moment. 

"Tsukki...do you enjoy getting your heart ripped out?" He asked. 

"What?"

"Do you enjoy getting your heart ripped out?" He asked again, shifting his face into Tsukkishima's chest. 

"Maybe." was all Tsukkishima said in return 

Sadness was the drug that fueled Tsukkishima. It was painful and tiring but Tsukkishima was masochist. A masochist so afraid of change it meant living in pain just so he didn't have to deal with becoming a new person. He knew it was selfish, but he also knew Yamaguchi would never leave. He felt the desperation, and it added coal to his never ending furnace. A furnace covered by a thick door with 'façade' written all over it in bright Kurasuno orange.

Tsukkishima's façade didn't allow for sadness. It only allowed for snappy remarks and self hatred under the guise of sarcasm and shitty humor. 

Yamaguchi was the only one who knew that Tsukkishima was sad. He only let his guard down when they were like this, listening to music. 

The music that played in Tsukkishima's iconic headphones was different than this, not because it wasn't gut wrenchingly sad, but because no one felt the emotions. You could (and many have) guess at was he was feeling all day, but you would never feel what he felt until you heard the music. 

Tsukki tried his hardest not to think about Yamaguchi's presence. It was too complicated sometimes. They weren't dating, but he'd be lying if he said they hadn't shared soft kisses on days like these. For a fleeting moment, Tsukkishima had wished they were dating. Just as he had wished they were dating the moment he felt Yamaguchi mouth that daring question on his chest.

But still, Tsukkishima lifted Yamaguchi's head up and kissed him sweetly, only to look back at the ceiling like nothing ever happened.


	2. Intro: Daisuga

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!! i’m sorry these first few chapters are short but i’m just trying establish the dynamics of the main ships before tying everything together

Daichi and Sugawara were just fuck buddies. Except for when they weren't. They weren't just fuck buddies during those late nights on the phone, or when they were comforting each other through the physical pains of volleyball. But, even in those moments, the two third years liked to think there were no strings attached. 

The situation came about in their second year, when the stress of volleyball along with school became too much, and the need to blow off steam without hitting a ball became even greater. In the club room, on the court, wherever they could get their hands on each other. 

Daichi and Sugawara knew every part of each other, inside and out. 

The sex hadn't complicated their friendship, the only thing that was complicated was hiding it from the other team members. Although, it was only complicated due to fact they both got off on doing it in public places. 

So there they were, laying on Daichi's carpet after their latest session. They were both surprisingly cold for two boys who had played their hearts out and went home to fuck each other senseless after. 

They both moved to put their clothes back on, not saying a word like they always did. If they didn't talk about it, It didn't happen.

Hesitation covered Sugawara's movements. Daichi noticed Sugawara's reluctancy, choosing to watch from the corner of his eye instead of head on. 

"Maybe i'll stay a little longer" Sugawara said, flopping back onto the floor after getting all of his clothes on.

“You should go, Suga” Daichi said, “I wouldn’t want you to do poorly on our next exam because of me.”

“Because of you?”

“Yeah.” 

“Well, see you at practice tomorrow?” Sugawara asked, grabbing his things.

“always.”


	3. mind the gap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ! tw for intrusive thoughts !

Impulsivity was Sugawara's brand. 

it was one of the reasons why he congratulated Hinata on sneaking into the training camp while Daichi scolded him. And with classes and volleyball practice seeming to drone on and on with no real rhyme or reason, he was itching for excitement. 

The problem lies in the fact that it isn't always healthy excitement. Sugawara would do Anything just to not feel bored, with Daichi coming to his rescue every time.

Sugawara's impulsive nature is what lead to the situation with Daichi in the first place. The adrenaline than ran through him even they weren't being intimate fueled Sugawara. 

"Wanna come over to my place later?" He asked Daichi when they weren't in earshot of their classmates. 

"Maybe not tonight, I'm a little tired" Daichi replied.

Sugawara gave a sweet smile of understanding, but he felt like his feelings were getting ready to bubble over. He knew it was stupid to put all this emotional weight into one person, but he did it anyways. Daichi was just too good of a distraction. 

The need for action bubbled in his core from class to class. He couldn't stop fidgeting. Tapping his pencil, shaking his leg, curling his toes inside his shoes, anything and everything that was stimulating.

The feeling followed him until the day was over. Usually he was with Daichi and Asahi, and they would walk together. Sugawara didn't bother finding them today.

He waved to Tsukkishima and Yamaguchi on his way out of school. Since meeting the first years, he had never seen them apart. Not even once. It was painfully obvious that their friendship was something more. Sugawara thought about all the times him and Yamaguchi were on the sidelines and Yamaguchi looked at Tsukkishima like he was the only player on the court.

His feet were moving but it felt like his mind was in a different place. His thoughts were cloudy and the brain fog was so intense he could practically feel the dampness on his skin. 

He made it to the train station and it still felt like there was a cartoon cloud with rain looming over his head. Sugawara’s subconscious was working faster than the forefront of his brain, doing all of his tasks for him while he remained sad and complacent. 

Jump onto the train tracks.

Sugawara’s conscious and subconscious merged together again and he squeezed his eyes shut. He felt like if he looked at the empty pit where the trains came through that he would actually climb in. Sugawara hated his impulsivity. 

He desperately needed a train to fill the space before him. He could practically his body laying in the ditch. He could feel the vibrations of the train coming in with the sole intention of rolling over him.

“Suga!” 

It was Daichi and Asahi, waving with their dorky smiles. 

“We were waiting for you and we figured you just had somewhere else to be.” Asahi said, placing a hand on Sugawara’s shoulder. 

“You look sick, is everything alright?” Daichi asked. 

Sugawara saw the squint in Daichi’s eyes. Daichi knew that Sugawara wasn’t sick, and Sugawara knew that Daichi sensed that there was something else going on. Daichi didn’t exactly have the most empathy, but he always knew what everyone was feeling. 

“Im fine” Sugawara replied, “Everything is fine.”


	4. Intro: Kuroken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another short chapter but make it ✨kuroken✨

On paper, Kuroo and Kenma were the perfect couple. Two dorky childhood best friends who both played volleyball. But, they were also two teenage boys who didn't know how to express their emotions.

Kenma and Kuroo had the same amount of emotional unavailability, they just expressed it in different ways. Kenma favored escapism while Kuroo preferred bottling everything up. Two sides of the same coin, really. 

The picture perfect had quite volatile fights. Even if Kenma preferred running away from his problems, the marathon always ends. Kuroo just shoved them away. 

So when Kenma was gasping for air, lungs collapsing under the pressure of running for days or weeks on end, Kuroo was stone faced. 

"You can't putting it off forever!" Kenma screamed. 

"and who says I can't?" Kuroo replied almost smugly. 

"I do, Kuroo" Kenma said, "I care about you and i'm not going to let you sit here and act like nothing is wrong." 

Kenma looked up, teary-eyed. He abhorred fighting with Kuroo. He could jokingly bully anyone for days, but real confrontation filled him with an anxiety that couldn't be tamed. He always cried when they fought, and he hated that too. 

"Hey, Hey, I'm sorry" Kuroo said. 

He cupped Kenma's face and wiped the tears away with his thumbs, kissing his cheeks sweetly afterwards. 

"Forgive me?" He asked, embracing Kenma. 

"Only if you're honest with me." Kenma huffed. 

"Will you stop crying if I am?" Kuroo asked. 

"I'd do anything if it meant I knew you were okay."


	5. Nosebleed #1

"Tsukki!" Yamaguchi yelled, "Are you okay?" 

"Tadashi what are you talking- oh" 

There was blood all over Tsukishima's shirt and face. He had felt a liquid streaming down his face but had just passed it off as sweat. The whole gym came to a hault, watching blood roll off of Tsukishima's face and onto the floor. After a few moments of silence, Tsukishima headed down to the club room (not without Yamaguchi scrambling after him, of course).

"i'm fine Tadashi" Tsukishima said, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

"It's been ten minutes and your nose still hasn't stopped bleeding!" 

Yamaguchi frantically handed Tsukishima more tissues, discarding the older ones in the trash can. Yamaguchi has always been terrible at hiding his worries, and today was no different.

"You should really rest more, Tsukki." He mumbled while wiping more blood off of Tsukishima's face. 

"Whatever." Was all Tsukishima said in response. 

Eventually the two boys made it back to practice and finished out the day. Like always, everyone split into their separate groups to make the trek home. Kageyama and Hinata were screaming at each other like always, and the third years were standing together talking (minus Asahi, because Nishinoya had dragged him someplace else). 

Today, it was off to Yamaguchi's house. Midterms were approaching and the two had decided that Yamaguchi's house had the best study environment.

The fall air felt light, but the cold bitterly snipped at Yamaguchi's nose. A sneeze wracked through his body, making him shiver afterwards. His head felt fuzzy, and he knew he was going to need to take medicine when he got home. 

Tsukishima could tell Yamaguchi was getting sick. The boy's propensity to catch colds worried Tsukishima, even though he'd never admit it. In Tsukishima's mind, those nights rubbing Yamaguchi's back as he spewed into the toilet or when he walked to Yamaguchi's house with medicine was telling enough. He was more afraid of leaving Yamaguchi alone than he was of getting sick. 

The warmth of Yamaguchi's house was just as inviting as the boy that lived there. The heat swarmed the pair as soon as they walked in. They took off their shoes, leaving them neatly by the door.

“Did you want anything to eat, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi asked.

“I’m not hungry” 

Yamaguchi sighed as he rummaged through the cabinets. He didn’t have the strength to argue with Tsukishima. He never had the strength to argue with Tsukishima. If Tsukishima didn’t want to eat, he wasn’t going to eat. It didn’t stop him from bringing extra snacks to his room though. 

Yamaguchi chased two pills with water and drew in a long, tired breath. He told himself the sickness would pass soon, even though his body was crumbling under the stress of school. 

“You look tired” Tsukishima mumbled. 

“i’m not.” 

“it’s okay to be tired, Tadashi” Tsukishima said, “don’t be so insistent on putting on a brave face when it’s just us” 

Just us. Tsukishima’s words played through Yamaguchi’s head. It was always just them, so when his heart started to race, Yamaguchi was utterly confused. Maybe it was the fondness in the his voice, or the fact that Tsukishima could see right through Yamaguchi. To Tsukishima, Yamaguchi was transparent. 

And so, it continued to be just them for the rest of the afternoon.


	6. Hills Like White Elephants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! sorry this took me so long to put out 😓 i’m currently uploading this on my lunch break from school. Please forgive any typos, i’ll go back and edit this evening after work.

Cold air leaked through the window in Daichi's room. It was a light breeze that cooled the boys' hot bodies down. There was rain hitting concrete just outside the window, and the sound of water pouring into a faucet reminded the pair that they weren't the only two souls existing on the earth in that moment.

As always, Sugawara had thousands of thoughts swirling through his head. He'd made up his mind to confess to Daichi—to tell him that he loved him—and that he wanted to be together. They were third years and college was coming fast. It was now or never, and Sugawara was ready to make the gamble. 

"Do you like me, Daichi?" Sugawara asked. 

"Of course I like you."

"But" Sugawara paused, "In that way?" 

"In what way?" 

"You know." 

"I don't." Daichi replied. 

Sugawara could've smashed his head into the wall. He already knew the direction the conversation was heading, but he pressed on. 

"I want to be with you" He drew in a deep breath, "I want to be more than someone you come to when you want to blow off steam" 

"We can't be together" Daichi replied. 

"Why?" 

"I love you too much to hold you back" Daichi mumbled, pressing his head against the wall. 

There it was, the moment Sugawara had been anticipating. The rejection. The words that came out of Daichi's mouth were a painful sentiment, even if there was love behind it.

"It doesn't have to be like that" Sugawara said. 

"But it is, Suga." 

After that, Sugawara left. Daichi didn't come running after him like in the movies. He was glued to his own bed and stuck in the feelings of what he had done. For Daichi, there was no one left to confront but himself. 

Sugawara's eyes were pouring out water faster than the sky. They looked like one in the same, but Sugawara's hot tears and the cold rain were a volatile mix. He had overestimated himself, and underestimated how much Daichi meant to him. He had so so much to lose, and it was all slipping out of his hands at once, washing down the sewer grates along with the rain. 

Fuck was all that went through Sugawara's head. Fuck fuck fuck! He felt like his mind was going to wash down into the sewers too. His hands were shaking from the cold and the anxiety. He pulled out his phone and dialed a number. 

"Hello? Suga?" Yamaguchi said on the other side of the line. 

It wasn't unusual for this to happen. The other third years were too non-confrontational, too passive, and too tired to deal with Sugawara at times. And since Daichi was so obviously out of the picture, Yamaguchi was next in line for Sugawara's breakdown.

"Hey! Yamaguchi—fuck—are you with Tsukishima right now?" Sugawara asked.

“No he just left... What’s going on? Are you hurt? Do you need to come over?” Yamaguchi inquired.

Sugawara stopped walking and all Yamaguchi could hear was crying and rain on the other side of the line. 

“Are you outside? Are you crying?” 

“I’m just” Sugawara breathed out, “Having a moment” 

“You should be having that moment inside. God Suga, please just come over.” Yamaguchi pleaded. 

Sugawara and Yamaguchi weren’t exactly an unlikely pair, but one would be surprised by their closeness. Though completely platonic, the two boys shared a lot of fond moments in secrecy. 

Yamaguchi’s parents were divorced. It was no secret that his dad was long gone, and his mother worked long hours. Sugawara’s parents were victims to Japanese work culture, work never stopped, not even for their children. 

So once again, Sugawara was standing in front of Yamaguchi’s door. His grey hair was soaked beyond belief as a shiver wracked through his body. 

“oh my god.” Yamaguchi said, staring at the boy in front of him. 

Yamaguchi hurriedly ushered Sugawara in, immediately confronting him with a warm blanket and a cup of hot tea. Yamaguchi sat Sugawara down at his kitchen table, scurrying off to find a towel. 

“What the hell were you thinking?” Yamaguchi asked. 

“I wasn’t thinking.” Sugawara replied. 

There was a long, drawn out silence. All Sugawara could do was feel the warmth of the cup and stare down into the steam. 

“I could quit volleyball over this.” Sugawara said, still staring into the mug of tea.

“What?” Yamaguchi asked. 

“Me and Daichi were fucking.” He replied. The use of past tense made him cringe. 

“We were fucking and I tried so hard to keep it together. I tried so hard to act like I didn’t like him and it felt so bad!” 

Sugawara was babbling at this point, finally letting the pent up frustration out. 

“He rejected me. He rejected me and I don’t think I can handle it. I cant handle it.” 

Yamaguchi felt like he physically had to pick his jaw up off the floor. His senior had just confessed to having sex with the team’s captain. On multiple occasions. While they weren’t dating. 

After getting past the initial shock, Yamaguchi enveloped Sugawara in a hug. Yamaguchi didn’t care if he was wet. The two boys breathed together and the sound of their slow breaths in and out bounced off the kitchen tile. The faint smell of burning paraffin wax from the candle Yamaguchi lit wafted through their nostrils with each inhale. 

“It’s Daichi’s loss” Yamaguchi said, “If he doesn’t want to realize how much you care about him that’s his own fault.” 

“I know he still cares. He’s just too wrapped up in the future and impressing his parents” Sugawara replied. 

Yamaguchi understood Sugawara’s pain now. The pressure to start a family grew alongside young adults in Japan, and Sugawara was unfortunate enough to fall victim to it. 

“It was stupid of me to think we could last” Sugawara said. 

“Come on, don’t say things like that.”

“I know you’ll never admit it to me,” Sugawara started, holding back tears, “But I want you to hold on to Tsukishima as tight as possible. Because there will come a day when society decides that you’re no longer compatible.” 

The truth of Sugawara’s statement stabbed into Yamaguchi like an icepick. He was right and it hurt. The guise of childhood friendship would only last so long, and Sugawara had finally met its demise.


End file.
